Thursday, July 10, 2008

Emergensy Spead Cleane

Maybe you've been exseedingly busy, or there was a death in the family, etc. Now as you look around your house, you wonder how in the hell it got to be such a freaking mess! You have compeny coming over soon (or maybe you're just plane sick of the mess), so you have to get that house cleaned, and quick! :-)

My Emergensy Spead Cleane can help you, but please remember, this is only for urgant occassions, when you've fallen behind on your housework because you've gotten lazy and fat - this has never actualy happened to me personaly, but I want to help the less fortunite since that is one of my gifts given to me by the Holey Spirit. :-)

This enteire prosess should not take a normel persen more then 10 minetes but if you're extremely fat and lazy than give yourself one hour for your slow movement. If it takes moore than an hour, then I can't really advise you, you have let yourself go, and what can I say? :-? Good Lord, get yourself on the treadmill you lazy bitch, and remember I love you, almost as much as I love Catholocs. :-)

My Speshial Emergency Spead Clean would take me 10 minutes or so to compleat, but I'm fit and hot, and your not me. ;-)

The stepps in this process are in a spesific order, so that as you complete each stepp, your house is much more better than when it was when you started. Now if you have compeny who arrives before you're done, it'll be close enough. ;-)

Mandy's Emergensy Spead Cleane - stepp by stepp

Disclaimer: If you don't buy all your products at Walmart, than I can't gaurantey your sucsess.

1. First things first - Go to each toilet in your house, lift the toilet lid, and put in some vinager. Then add some baking soda. When it starts bubbeling out onto the floor, don't worry. :-) Just wipe it up with an organic cotton Walmart wash cloth. Now let it sit as you go to your kitchen.

2. Walk briskly (you need the exercise) into your kitchen, and wash your dishes. If only you had picked them up the night before, you lazy ass, but since you didn't now you have to suffer the consequences! :-) Wash them, scrub them, dry them, and then wash them again so you will teach yourself a lesson! Why did you leave them out? Why are you so damn lazy? Actually, wash them 5 times in a row. Now mabey you will learn your lesson. :-) If you have a baby, remember playpens are wonderful devises. Set the baby in the playpen, if she cries, just give "the look" and the baby will learn. If she continues to cry, keep giveing "the look", slap her butt, and then ignore her, in this order. Keep working on those dishes, and soon enough that baby will learn to stop demanding so much attention. You don't want to raise a spoiled brat do you?

3. Go to every sink in your house, and spray them all down with vinegar, and let sit. We'll get back to the sinks later. Don't gripe to me about your house smellling like Italian dressing - it's better than that pungaent stink from you being a lazy-do-nothing isn't it? ;-)

4. Now, go through every room in your pigsty house, and throw away all your trash, and put away things that have "wandered" away from their homes. ;-) This is what I have heard may happen in realy derty homes, from other sloppy people who have confessed to me, but I'm sorry I have no personel experiance myself. :-) Everything is always in it's place at my lovely home. :-)

5. The hard part's over, almost. :-) Grab an organic cotton Walmart washcloth, and a spray bottle of vinager (you can clean everything with vinager!), and wipe down your dining room table, kitchen counters, and bathroom counters. Unless you have real wood, hmmm....I don't know about that. You might want to try something called Pledge? But I heard that may be a compeny owned by the Catholocs and there is some conspirisy to infest your home with artifishal lemen smell. :-/ I also herd the Pledge cans are bugged. :-( So be careful ladies.


6. Get back to those toilets and sinks! Wipe them down all that baking soda and vinager mickschure with your organic Walmart wash cloth!


7. Yay, almost done! Now grab your organic natural bristle broom, and do a speady sweep of your kitchen and bathrooms. Turn on the hot water in your kitchen sink, get your organic cotton Walmart mop wet, then scrub all your hard floors for 10 minutes. Remember, this is an Emergensy Spead Cleane, so get your fat ass moving and stop being so slow! Set your timer for 5 minutes and get it done, NOW! :-) While you've got the hot water running, it's a good idea to wipe down your own body, in case you may have gottan a brown recluse bite while working. The hot water will brake down the poisenise proteans!

8. Now vacuum all your carpets. Don't forget the edges, and under furnature, etc. Don't be a lazy ass. Do it right, and do it thorow, because that is how real Christians always do it. :-)


All done, yay! And it only took you 10 minets, if you aren't too fat, lazy, or Catholoc!

Have a blessed day! :-)

10 comments:

Milehimama said...

Mandy,
I didn't have any baking sodam, so I used salt.

Then I found out that Catholics put salt in there water. Do I need ot have my home ritually purified like in the old Testamount? Should I get rid of the salt, or is it O.K. to use sometimes:-?

My husband realy likes salt on his food, I'm not sure he's saved anymore. How do I tell?

OHgal said...

Mandy,

I was wondering if your hot hubby, dERIK, could do a post on politics and government. I've heard he is knowledgable in these areas cause he is a tite-ass when it comes to paying taxes. I wanted to see if he could give ideas that can help my family and I in this area because we are suspecting the government is run by a bunch of aliens(possibly Catholic) that use our money for their conspiracies.

Also, your ASStounding bread calls for your Spoiled Milk. I was wondering if you could post that recipe.

Thanks!!!

AmandaL said...

Mandy,
I was just wondering what I'm suppose to do if I live in a house bigger than 300 square feet. Should I still be able to finish in 10 minutes or will it take longer? Also, I don't treat my children like slaves, so wouldn't I have a little more to do than you, since you obviously make your children do all of the housework. I mean I guess I could teach my 6 month old how to wash his own dirty diapers, but I would feel like I was abusing the poor guy. And it doesn't really matter anyway since we are almost to the taking them outside and hosing them off when they shit themselves stage. Thanks for all your help; you are a true blessing to help those poor fat and lazy Catholics. Keep up the good work!

fundie.fan said...

Mandy, I love your knew cite desine!!! I sure wish I could make my own cite as pretty as yours!!! Keep up the good work!!!!1!! I hope one day I can be as pretty and rightchus as you are!

angie said...

Oh my gosh, thank you for the belly laugh. I almost spit my lunch on my computer screen.

tia said...

I'm with Amandal, Mandy, what do I do with my larger house? Not to boast or anything, but my house is 2200 square feet and has a main floor and a finished basement. I have to clean 3 toilets, 3 sinks, 2 tubs/showers, stairs, the kitchen, living room, family room and 3 bedrooms! Not to mention the hallways and the laundry room. And, the grass needs to be cut and the flower beds weeded and, well, I just don't know how I can do it all in 10 minutes, even if I were in the perfect shape that you're in.

I know I am a heathen to actually have all these things and I worship money so much more than I should but thanks to you I am learning the error of my ways and we are thinking of selling our home and buying a trailer, or even just moving into an apartment. But, until we are blessed with our new trailer or apartment, can you please advise me on how to clean my heathenish, too large home that is a standing tribute to our former days of worshiping money and security and investments?

I usually keep up with the cleaning and other household maintenance, but I can never do all that in 10 minutes. Maybe if you could tell me how to modify your plan to fit to my house, maybe if I had 30 minutes I could do it all? What do you think? Is that too much time in a day to take away from reading my bible and pleasing my sexy, hot, brilliant husband.

tia said...

Oh, Mandy, I forgot to tell you that I think your Meez is just perfect! It is so you.

saramom said...

oh a meez.. how bout a prayz party.. fun, fun!!

Dad of Few said...

Mandy I posted this on the “anti-Mandy” websites:
I have watched this debate on the sidelines and I am posting on this site and the other site to show my distaste for this silly argument. You all on this site are a bunch of cowardly, impure, arrogant, ignorant, childish, pieces of garbage. You all have the IQ of a two year old.
Now out of fairness I must post on your blog as well:
Mandy, you are a true inspiration. You are always right, and are never offensive, like me. I have tried to have an intelligent discussion with the “anti-Mandy” people, but all they do is attack me personally. As you can see above, I have only tried to point out their inconsistencies, and they all attacked me. I appreciate everything you do, and keep preaching the truth. I have so much respect for you.
Mandy, I hope that I did not offend you, but this had to be said. I know that you are a much more understanding individual, who can take criticism. Thank you for taking my comment, and if people don’t like what you are saying, then they should just kill themselves.

Brushetta said...

Mandy - I am not sure if you will post this because I am not agreeing with you one everything, but I hope you will have an opened mind and allow it through. I have to disagree with the part of putting the baby in the play pen. Everyone knows they should do chores, as well. If they can crawl, they can clean! ;-)