Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Tia, my own personel stalker

For anyone who has been reading my blog for evan a short time, you are undoutedly awaire that Tia regulerly sends me vile, discusting comments. I cannot even repete some of the awefull things she has seid to me. She has attacked my home making skills (obveously a singe of jealousy), my mothering skills, my Famuous Salmon, my luxuryous castle in which I abide, and the fact that my husband is a hot, adorible inventer/politicion that she wishes where her own. I feel sorry for her. She is sad and loanly. She has resently advised one of my dear readers to go out and do horable, detestible acts that no True Christian would ever do. :(

Tia, I realize that you try to come across as an athiest to get my attenshon, but I am two smart for you. I can tell you are Catholoc, and that you worship Mary. Nobody else would have such a potty mouth; I know how all you Catholocs curse and sin and do whatevar you want, because you think you can just go to confeshon the next day. :( That is wear you are wrong, Tia. You're Sol is going to burn in hell vary soon because of you're stuborness and unwillingness to here the truth.

Ladies, we nead to prey for Tia, that she would come out of the Whore of Babble-on and be a true, KJV-only, Bible-beleiveing, Holey-Spirit lead Christian, like me. It's so sad, because evan athiests have a bettar chanse at getting saved then Catholocs. :(

Now, to address the importent issue hear, which is my deer reader who was reaching out. Her name is KritterC, and she is a pour lost Catholoc, but I beleive she is reely, truely seaking. Since I have the gift of the Holey Spirit, I can tell when someone is being authentic, and I can tell you, she is. Obveously, our Lord has something vary speshial planed for her life, and He has sent me to be Salt and Light for her.

KritterC, what Amanda seid in her comment is so vary true. It is probly due to you're being Catholoc that caused your preshious, sweaty-pie hubby to die. :( That is God's punishment for you, for being a membar of the church of Satin. But sinse you are honastly seeking Him now, He will most definately send a Wander-Hubby almost as grate as mine you're way, I just know it. :)

Some tips:

1. Do not evar step inside a Catholoc church again. Find a true, Bible-beleiving, KJV-only Church and start attending THIS Sunday. Hear are some realy hopefull signes that you have found a True Church: (a) the Paster is jolly, overwait, and has an over-comb, (b) his wife plays the piano for worship and quire songs, and (c) thay home-school (because thay know public schools are eval) and have 4 kids or more - than that is a shure sign you are in the right place! :)

2. Spend lots of time at Meez PrayzParties, you nevar know when a handsome Christian fellow may come in looking for a wife. ;) ;) ;)

3. Loose that freaking waight by exsersising 6 hours a day like me. It is vary importent to be hot because men are visual creatchures, thay nead a hot body to look at. If your not hot, thay will just check out a young hot women like me. Beleive me, I know firsthand how painful it to be the object of men's gawking. :( Now, since you are so old, you have moore time then a young hot mommy like myself, I actually think you should be exsersicing for at least 8 hours a day. In fact, my advise is to just get up in the morning, start running, and don't stop until dinner time. :)

4. Send me your address and phone numbar because I have lots of wonderfull, Christian mail freinds who are looking for wives. :)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

An answer to a reader

Having a really hard time with the exercise thing and I shouldn't because you don't and you have two more children than I do. I have a two year old and an infant and I really, really need to drop quite a bit of weight. I have found that unless I work out about an hour a day (hard) and watch what I am eating I either don't lose or even gain.

This is while nursing ! Anyway, DH works shifts and I never know if he will be up with us during the day, off doing something for himself, working overtime or sleeping.

I have a treadmil and find it hard to get the girls to give me a solid block of time (to get 45 min it it will take at least an hour and a half with all the interruptions) then I need to shower...etc.

Maybe I am just going to have to let go of a bunch of other things in my routine? I do take the girls for about an hour walk/play time, but if I make that an exercise thing I will have to put my toddler in the stroller and the point is for her to get exercise

We are not in the greatest neighborhood so going out without my DH is not an option. DH simply cannot be counted on because his job often calls him out.

Should I just bite the bullet at nap time and work out (baby sometimes still keeps me up with teething so Mommy sometimes naps too). Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

Many Blessings,
An Admirer

OK, a couple of things here.

First, you need to have a joyful attetude like mine. That is you're first step to loosing wait. :)

What is sucking you're joy? Well, I can see right away from you're letter that your sweet hubby needs to re-evaluate his job. What kind of work is he doing that is calling him to be away from his family so much? It is obvious to me that you are materialistic, superfishal Christians. In fact, it wouldent surprize me if you were Catholoc. It is time to get into an authentec 1611 KJV Bible and find a true, KJV-only, Bible-beleiveing church. Money is not that importent, and if you are a true Christian you will not evan want to live the way you are living anymore. It's more importent that your sweet hubby is abel to spend time with his family, fullfilling his dutie as a husband and father, before employee. So he needs to quit his job and do something where he can spend more time with his family. Their are meny ways of cutting back on expences. For example, you may think you need 3 square meals a day, but you are fooling yourself! Besides, you're fat, so you know you don't need to eat. :? You're house is obviously too big and you need into move to something smaller. No family needs more than a 2-bedroom house. Ours is 2-bedrooms, and it is like a luxuryous castle to me! It all has to do with you're attitude. When you sell you're oversized house, sell all you're nice oversized furniture, get rid of you're oversized materilistic attitude, and you will simeltaniously get rid of your oversized body. When you move into you're new home, use the money you made to buy some cheap, but lovely, furniture from Walmart and Orientel Tradeing Compeny. Then you can send the rest of you're money to me and Derik and we will be happy to invest it for you. ;)

Second, I'm sorry if I sound blunt, but you seriousley need a reality check regarding excersize. One hour of excersize is rediculous, no wander you're so fat! I excersize 6 hours a day. Having small children is just an excuse. Hear are some things you can do:

You will be surprized at how much a young child is abel to excercise. Have you herd about the little boy in India who ran 40 miles without stopping? Well, my children are vary athletic like that because we have traned them that way. So, you can require you're babies to run along side you when you're jogging, and you can have them do the Tite-Ass 2 tapes alongside you. That way you both get excericize.

Now, if you nead to, you can also put you're babies in a playpen while you workout. I have written before about the wanders of playpens. Well-traned children can sit for hours in a playpen without ever making a fuss.

Have a blessed day, unless you're Catholoc, which I highly expect. :?

Friday, July 18, 2008

Ladies, do you dress like a Woman of the Night?

My dear readers,

How do you dress? Do you dress like a true, Christian lady, or a Woman of the Night?

As KJV only lovely Christian ladies, we are to be holey and set appart, so that when we go to Walmart people will look at us and KNOW that we are KJV only Christians.

Here is how a Woman of the Night dresses:

Photobucket Photobucket

Notice how cheap and tacky a Woman of the Night looks. She has no cents of style or modasty. Jeans and pants also tend to show those bulges and sadlebags on the thighs. :( Not that I've ever had that problam, but I do see that on women who ware jeans and pants all the time. Its not a pretty site, ladies. :?

A true Christian lady will wear a dress like one of these:

blue dress red dress pink dress

Before I was a Christian, I dressed like a Woman of the Night. But when I became a Christian and read the autherized 1611 King James Bible all the way threw for the first time, God showed me that I had to change my weighs. I didn't realy want two, because I have a vary hot body from working out 6 hours a day and I wanted to show it off. :? T-shirts draw attentian to my purky breasts and jeans draw attentian to my tite ass. I liked the way women looked at me with envy and men staired at me and winked, or smiled, or asked for my phone numbar. (When I was single, I had no problam getting a date. ;) )

But now that I dress like a true Christian lady, I get so much more respect. Men still stair, but it's a look of admaration and not lust. It's sad, because I've had many men confess to me thay wish they're wive's would dress like me. :( Women now look at me with admaration and not envy, and evan aproach me and ask me Bible questions or Christian mothering advise. They can just tell by looking at me that I'm a born-again Christian! (I admit, they also ask me about my excersise reccomendations - I get mistakan for a fittness coach all the time.)

If you are a true Christian woman you would not ware sweatpants and a big T-shirt eather. That is not dressing like a femanine lady, that is being an ugly, slopey frump, and an embaressment to you're sweet hubby. You know that you're soul purpose in life on earth is to please you're hubby. I can personelIy garuentee that he would be daleriosly happy for you to ware any of the lovely dresses above. ;)

Some women say thay can't ware dresses because thay can't work in a dress. But that is just a laizy excuse. If you think it's not possible to do you're work in a dress, hear are some pictures of women working in beautiful dresses:

Mrs. Doubtfire

modest jogging

A beautiful, feminane dress can work wanders, hence, I encoarege you to go to Goodwill right now and buy some dresses like the ones above.

Have a blessed day! :)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Note to my admirers

For those of you who have blogs and left suportave coments hear, I have put your blog url in my sidebar under "my blog lists." If you want me to remove it, or you wood like you're blog added, just let me now. :-?

This does not go for you blogers who are listed under "sick anti-Mandy blogs". :( You're eval weighs must be expsoased and I will not back down! :)

Have a blessed day, unless your a stoopid Catholoc. :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A vary inspiring video

These people have such admarable faith! Derik and I might considar moving to West Verginia.

Traning You're Children

Some of you have inquired about what I have my Baby Girl do during the day, so I thouhgt I would share. Baby Girl is only 2 and she is vary smart and advanced in meny things, but the biggest reason she can do so much is because I have been dilagant about traning her from the day she was born. :) If you start diligantly traning your children now, you can have them turn out almost as perfect as mine. ;)

By the way, Baby Girl loves to help me with household chores - another blessing for propperly traning her. ;) I expect all chores to be done happely and with a smile. She is never aloud to cry about silly things, such as doing chores or getting tired. ;)

NOTE: There are times I just can't be with Baby Girl (like, when I go running for 2 hours) so then I put her in her playpen with a toy. Since she is so well-traned she happily sits there for as long as I need her to, smiling and never crieing. :) She has learned to be joyfull in all sitchuations from me. :) Ladies, it is so importent to remember that you are constently setting an eggsample for your children. :)

Baby Girl's Chore List

* Make up crib in mourning

* Get herself dressed

* Brush her hare and teath

* Take sheats off crib once a week and wash them (she uses my Tite-Ass 2 Lifter to help her reach things, such as the top of the warshing mashine)

* Pick up all toys and put them in there *propper* places. I expect nothing less! :)

* Empty all trashes, and take out to curb on garbege day

* Feed pet rattlesnake and clean cage

* Clear dishes from table after meals, and wipe

* Knead Asstounding Bread dough

* Unload dishwasher

* Load dishwasher and start

* Read allowed from her KJV Bible during family devoshion time. (She has a genuous IQ like me, and has been invited to be in MENSA)

* Sweap and mop all hard floors

* Run vaccume (she is vary strong because of my propper traning)

* Dust her room

* Change her own diepers

* Wash and fold her diepers and her own laundry

Ladies, with proper traning and guidence from you, you're little ones can learn to be helpful around the house too - and to do it with a smile! The time to trane them is rite now. Don't neglect this importent God-given dutie. :)

A question from a dear reader:

Q: Mandy,does your baby girl knead the bread with her hands or feet. My little girl just isn't strong enough yet so I've been having her stomp the bread like a wine maker. But husband says it reminds him of I Love Lucy to see her stomping the bread and wants me do it myself with my hands!I've duct taped weights to her wrists so she can work her muscles all the time, so it shuldn't be a problum for too longer. -MilehiMama

A: No, I have never alloud Baby Girl knead the bread with her feet - only her hands. First of all, she is vary strong because she has been doing this since she started walking at 7 months, so she is used to it. But also, I don't have a problim because I have traned her propperly. You are obviosley not traning your daughter propperly and consistantly to work hard, but are traning her to be laizy. You must stop this at once. It is importent that Christian parents teach they're children the right way to do things, because otherwise you are sinning. Require her to knead with her hands, and nothing else. If she cries or refuses to listen to you, hear is what to do: Have her go outside and pull a small branch from a bush or tree and bring it to you. Then, give her 7 lashes (the number of God) on her leg and tell her what to do again. If she doesn't obay emmediatley, give her 7 more lashes. Repete this routine until she listens to you and kneads the dough propperly with her hands. :) (Don't worry about bruzing, as this may occur, but it will go away quickly. :) Just put a long skirt on her.)

Have a blessed day. :)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Anti-Mandy Websites :(

Some lovely, true Christian, KJV-only ladies in long dresses alerted me to the fact that there are some anti-Mandy websites out there who like to spread vial and discusting rumers and lies about me. :( One such website can be found here:

WARNING: Just be careful ladies, it is a horable website, so don't open it while your preshous children are around. :(

Now I have some responses to this particular anti-Mandyite and all the others out there.

I feel that the catholic bloggers do this because they really believe the garbage they are being fed under the guise of their "faith". Others I suspect are doing it purely because they are vindictive & mean spirited. They like to jump on the bandwagon & want to be part of the new "in crowd" online.

Damnit if you ever refer to me as a Catholoc agein, I will condemn you to hell myself, because I have that speshal gift from God! I make it very clere on my blog here that I hate Catholocs and they discust me, with all there wershup of Mary and the pope and statchues and other atroseties. I could tell right from the gecko that you are just another Catholoc in disguys, I know how you people oparate. You probly report everything to the Vatacan. Well go ahead and report me to the vatacan, God will protect me from the likes of you, and I will not back down! Let you be anathema! :)

When confronted they will lie outright to your face claiming they didn't do anything wrong. Cowards & Bullies. This is how TROLLS operate. They are insecure narcissistic individuals. We should be feeling sorry for them.

Where have I lied? :/ My blog is full of truth, you will not find one single solaterry lie on it. You just don't want to here the truth because it scares you! :)

Then the comments are open to anyone who wishes to leave one but only if they are as nasty as the other cheering squads~I mean readers comments. TROLL authors are egged on by their cheering squads. That's what TROLLS are striving for. The admiration of being nasty. Everyone in this mindset thinks it's hilarious. It is a nasty online clique & they all belong together. Misery loves company. :(

You are obviously a sad, lonely woman who is jealous of me. :( I'm sorry that you see that my having so many readers (I get as many as 20,000 a day) is a thret because you are not as popular as me in blogland. :/ Why don't you come out of the darkness you are living in and come follow me? Be a part of my werld, and you will find everlasting joy. :) I have the truth and the Werds of life. I suggest that you order my free ebook, The Happy Happy Joy Joy Christian Homemaker, it will open your eyes and you will be on the way to living every day full of happiness where you wake up with a smile and go to bed with a smile, even if you get bitten by a rattlesnake, your husband is a deadbeat who won't pay his taxes, and CPS takes away your children. :)

I wonder if these TROLLS who act this way online have children. ? Most likely they do. Which brings me to my next question: if they are spreading such lies & hate, what then are they teaching their own children?

Yes, I do have children and thay are vary smart and well behaved. :) Since we are a true Christian family thay never disobay me. :) They are compleatly aware of my blog becauze I preach the truth and want them to know truth, and also that I am fighting eval with my truth. ;) My 2yo sometimes even does the typing for me while I dictate to her. :) She has to be prepared to confront all the eval Catholocs in this world when she grows up and the time to trane her is NOW.

I find it interesting that some of the TROLLS like to keep their names & online profiles private. What's the matter? Can't you stand behind what you write? Can't you sign your name or an alias instead of anonymous? Can't you have an enabled profile like the majority of us? TROLLS are cowards.

I try to stay somewhat anonimyss by only posting etched pictures, but my meez charachture does look very much like me, and you can tell how beautiful I am from my etched profile. One reason I stay anonimyss is because so meny people are jeallus of me and I fere for my children's safety hear in our small town. :/ But the biggest reason is because the times that I posted real photographs, I kept getting bombarded by modelling agencies and also getting vial and disgusting comments referring to my hot body, asking me things like, "Are they real?" :( Even though they are real and spectaculer, I just can't do this any longer sence now I'm a true Christian. It could be one of your own husbands ladies, and I shoud not cause a brouther to stumble. (See Romans 14:13, if your a true Christian, in your King James Bible.) It would just brake my hart to think of turning on so meny men, and to think what they might be doing while looking at my pictures....that just discusts me. :/

Dear Lost One: Won't you fall to your knees this very moment, and acknowledge that you are a sinner and want to be just like me? Then, won't you accept my free gift - my ebook - which could save your life? Just tell the Lord that you are sorry for being a dumb ass and accept this free gift from me, and you will be saved. If you truly believe on this, then you will not be ashamed to confess it to others - "For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Mandy." When a person truly accepts this gift, the Holy Spirit of God literally comes to live within that person, if you start thinking exactly like me, that will be a big clue that you are on the right path. I will help guide you in your Christian walk.

Have a blessed day, unless your Catholoc. :)

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Which Bible Character Are You?


Your Result: You're Jesus. You're probably the most famous Jew in the world. Congratulations.

Sorry I don't have time to blog today because we are having compeny over for my Famous Salmon, but I just thought I would post this quiz result for fun! I really wasn't surprized with the results, because when the people who don't like me persacute me, I remember, they are persacuting Christ.

You can take this quiz here.

One more thing before I sign off here, I have ALOT of readers and get asked about 20,000 or more questions each day, and even thow I am a spead reader with a genuious eye cue, I just don't have time to answer everybody. But if I think you're question is importent, than I will try to answer it when I get a chance. ;)

Have a blessed day, unless you are Catholoc. :)

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Emergensy Spead Cleane

Maybe you've been exseedingly busy, or there was a death in the family, etc. Now as you look around your house, you wonder how in the hell it got to be such a freaking mess! You have compeny coming over soon (or maybe you're just plane sick of the mess), so you have to get that house cleaned, and quick! :-)

My Emergensy Spead Cleane can help you, but please remember, this is only for urgant occassions, when you've fallen behind on your housework because you've gotten lazy and fat - this has never actualy happened to me personaly, but I want to help the less fortunite since that is one of my gifts given to me by the Holey Spirit. :-)

This enteire prosess should not take a normel persen more then 10 minetes but if you're extremely fat and lazy than give yourself one hour for your slow movement. If it takes moore than an hour, then I can't really advise you, you have let yourself go, and what can I say? :-? Good Lord, get yourself on the treadmill you lazy bitch, and remember I love you, almost as much as I love Catholocs. :-)

My Speshial Emergency Spead Clean would take me 10 minutes or so to compleat, but I'm fit and hot, and your not me. ;-)

The stepps in this process are in a spesific order, so that as you complete each stepp, your house is much more better than when it was when you started. Now if you have compeny who arrives before you're done, it'll be close enough. ;-)

Mandy's Emergensy Spead Cleane - stepp by stepp

Disclaimer: If you don't buy all your products at Walmart, than I can't gaurantey your sucsess.

1. First things first - Go to each toilet in your house, lift the toilet lid, and put in some vinager. Then add some baking soda. When it starts bubbeling out onto the floor, don't worry. :-) Just wipe it up with an organic cotton Walmart wash cloth. Now let it sit as you go to your kitchen.

2. Walk briskly (you need the exercise) into your kitchen, and wash your dishes. If only you had picked them up the night before, you lazy ass, but since you didn't now you have to suffer the consequences! :-) Wash them, scrub them, dry them, and then wash them again so you will teach yourself a lesson! Why did you leave them out? Why are you so damn lazy? Actually, wash them 5 times in a row. Now mabey you will learn your lesson. :-) If you have a baby, remember playpens are wonderful devises. Set the baby in the playpen, if she cries, just give "the look" and the baby will learn. If she continues to cry, keep giveing "the look", slap her butt, and then ignore her, in this order. Keep working on those dishes, and soon enough that baby will learn to stop demanding so much attention. You don't want to raise a spoiled brat do you?

3. Go to every sink in your house, and spray them all down with vinegar, and let sit. We'll get back to the sinks later. Don't gripe to me about your house smellling like Italian dressing - it's better than that pungaent stink from you being a lazy-do-nothing isn't it? ;-)

4. Now, go through every room in your pigsty house, and throw away all your trash, and put away things that have "wandered" away from their homes. ;-) This is what I have heard may happen in realy derty homes, from other sloppy people who have confessed to me, but I'm sorry I have no personel experiance myself. :-) Everything is always in it's place at my lovely home. :-)

5. The hard part's over, almost. :-) Grab an organic cotton Walmart washcloth, and a spray bottle of vinager (you can clean everything with vinager!), and wipe down your dining room table, kitchen counters, and bathroom counters. Unless you have real wood, hmmm....I don't know about that. You might want to try something called Pledge? But I heard that may be a compeny owned by the Catholocs and there is some conspirisy to infest your home with artifishal lemen smell. :-/ I also herd the Pledge cans are bugged. :-( So be careful ladies.

6. Get back to those toilets and sinks! Wipe them down all that baking soda and vinager mickschure with your organic Walmart wash cloth!

7. Yay, almost done! Now grab your organic natural bristle broom, and do a speady sweep of your kitchen and bathrooms. Turn on the hot water in your kitchen sink, get your organic cotton Walmart mop wet, then scrub all your hard floors for 10 minutes. Remember, this is an Emergensy Spead Cleane, so get your fat ass moving and stop being so slow! Set your timer for 5 minutes and get it done, NOW! :-) While you've got the hot water running, it's a good idea to wipe down your own body, in case you may have gottan a brown recluse bite while working. The hot water will brake down the poisenise proteans!

8. Now vacuum all your carpets. Don't forget the edges, and under furnature, etc. Don't be a lazy ass. Do it right, and do it thorow, because that is how real Christians always do it. :-)

All done, yay! And it only took you 10 minets, if you aren't too fat, lazy, or Catholoc!

Have a blessed day! :-)

Monday, July 7, 2008

Eight Tips for Getting Fit!

I don't have a lot of time to blog, in between changing the kombucha tea mushroom, baking my asstounding bread, and updating my Meez charachtar...but I just thought I would give you some quick, useful tips on how to be helthy and hot like me:

1. Eat lots of full-fat, ground beef, preferibly from Walmart. Stay away from the lean ground beef, it is actualy very bad for you and the plan to get Americans to eat lean beef is a conspiricy started by the Catholocs in an effort to kill us off and take over our country. Full-fat is the way to go.

2. Eat lots of canned salmon every week.

3. Be sure you always buy whole, full-fat milk and REAL butter. Again, conspiricy. Stay far away from low fat, nonfat items. They are actualy very bad for you.

4. Order a delishous kombucha mushroom from me and start your own kombucha tea.

5. Make your own yoghert, cottage cheese, and buttermilk. Make sure you always start with full-fat organic products from Walmart, don't forget the conspiracy!

6. Make my Ultimate Asstounding Bread and eat it every day. It is the key to good health and looking hot.

7. Get moving. Now if you really want to be like me, you need to excercize a total of 6 hours a day. If you think you are too buzy to do that, well, you're not you're just lazy. Get your ass out of bed and exercize, no matter what time it is. Look at all I do, I am living testamoney! But, I will let you in on a little secret. Some days I really don't get around to excercizing! Here are my tips: I walk to the mail box. I walk out the door to pick up my newspaper. I sit on an exercise ball and wear ankle weights while blogging and going to Meez parties. (Typing is a great exersize!) Then I blog that I exersised with weights for 6 hours, and the results are serprizingly the same! Just thinking about it will actually get results. It's mind over matter. Think yourself fit if you have to!

8. Make your Meez charachter dance a lot, and change activities. There are all kinds of things your Meez charactar can do - hikking and swimming, for example. Since the Meez caricter represents yourself, you will actually become fit by osmoses! IT's amazing, you should see my biseps!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Holey Spirit and Me

I never have been totally happy with any one of the churches I've ever gone to, because they never agree with me 100%, and I know I'm the one that's right. Sure, there have been a few churches that are almost scriptural and true, and those are the ones I have atended in the past, but I have never found one single church to have the blessing of being able to perfectly interpret scripture as I have. :) I am so glad to have been given the special blessing by God Himself and the Holey Spirit to interpret the Bible more accuritly than anyone else in the history of Christianity. :) This is why I think I will have to start my own church, maybe someday vary soon. I see no other way around it. This is vary exiting to me.

Have a blessed day! :) (Unless your Catholoc!)

-The Apostle Mandy