Monday, August 25, 2008

The real Mandy

Hello. I have anonymously hacked into Mandy's blog to give her readers a glimpse into the real life of Mandy....sorry folks, this an excerpt from her real-life diary and I think you should all be aware....please read with caution while you can, before she finds out.

9:08 Get up...Crap!! Realyze I hit the snouze button for an hour, it quit going off, wunderhubby allready went to work, and the house is dead quiet because the kids and I have all been sleaping. Sense no kids are bothering me, go online.

9:40 Eldest rebellious strong-willed brat son comes in my room and asks for breckfest. I quickly shuve laptop under bed before he notices, and yell for the other kids to get up.

9:50 Pour kids bowls of Luckey Charms

10:30 Get dressed in lovely dress and fuzzy slippers, tell kids to go get dressed. Tell oldest to help yunger siblengs. Throw serial bowls in dishwasher, quickly swipe tabel & counters

10:45: Go online again and play with Meez charectar while ignoring the comotion in the kids' room, change Meez outfit, and then make up fake to-do list. Blog about how my day will be so buzy today, that I won't have time to blog.

11:15 Go check other blogs and leave comments

11:30 Read some Jack Chick comics online

11:45 Yell at kids to shut up and play with their damn video games. All is quiet. Go back to reading Jack Chick. Wow...he is sooooo good.

12:05 Get out waits and do 5 bisep curls, then 2 pushups, and 3 situps.

12:10 Wipe off and blog about doing a 75-minute workout.

12:16 Make Jiff Peanut Butter sandwiches with Wunder Bread, serve with barbie-que potatoe chips.

12:25 Post some homemaid peanut butter recipie, along with an Asstounding Bread recipe that I dreamt up last night; post about the horrars of nutrishonally depleated foods such as potatoe chips that I read about in some nutrishon book; tell kids to clean up lunch mess while I blog

12:32 Find my faverite Dave Hunt anti-Catholoc artecle, copy & paste onto my blog and pretend it's my own

12:40 Go to kitchen to disscover it still a mess from lunch, beat spank the oldest brat child for not cleening up kitchen yet

12:45 Change Meez character's close again while stupid brat independant son cleens kitchen

1:00 Send kids to their bedrooms, lock doors, and demand tell them that they need to take naps, or they will not get to come out.

1:05 Get on computer and read blogs, such as Candy is A Lier, Come Out of Her, Vizits to Candyland, Sweaping the Home. Create fake accounts and leave fake coments and questiens since I don't want anyone to know I actually read them.

4:00 Unlock kids' rooms and let them out. Call a few naybers to reassure them that the screems were nothing. Have a real beer to relax. Plan on blogging about it being a fake beer later.

4:15 Have another beer. Change Meez charectar.

4:35 And another beer. Smile warmley, and wonder why other moms aren't enjoying motherhoud as much as you do.

5:00 Order pizza

5:30 Have another beer, and write about how happy I feel.

6:00 Eat pizza w/ happy kids and hubby, on paper plates, watching tv.

6:30 Have another beer, throw away paper plates and pizza boxes.

6:50 Add to my happy post, while having another beer.

7:20 Send kids to watch tv in bed until they fall asleap. This time, have a shot of vodka, because I deserve it.

7:30 Announce Meez Prayz Partie

1:00 AM - after Meez Gossip Prayz Partie go to bed [hic]

Friday, August 22, 2008

Who is Mandy?

Who I Am

I'm sure all of you have an idea in you're head of who you think this Mandy Browner person is. I figure it is time to open up and be totelly honest hear.

1. I am a True Christian. I stress this fact a lot, because I really am, I have the Holey Spirit and He reveels the Whole Truth threw my lovely, leather-bound, 1611 KJV Bible. You can trust everything I tell you to be the whole, compleat, truthe.

2. I never write about negetive things becuase I'm just not a negetive person! I'm ALWAYS vary happy, and full of loveliness and joy. Becauze of this, my face radiates happyness all the time, and it's not really something I can help! My secret is that I'm a True Christian - not pagen or athiest, or God forbid, Catholock. Nothing can get me down, nothing, absolutely nothing! People are always asking me, "Mandy, why are you always smiling?" I can feel my adorable smile broaden as I explain to them that it's my True Christianety shining threw, with the help of the Holey Spirut of coarse. Then I whip out a Jack Chick tract and one of my handy, dandy purse-size KJV Bibles (which has my buzienuss card with my name and blog address taped inside), give this to them as a free gift, and tell them they too can become just like me. The way thay gaze back at me with admiration and speechlessness just fills my heart with more joy. I just love being a witness for Christ every day, don't you?

3. Yes, I am "dresses only." And oh yes it's true, I have a vary curvy, sexy body. When one works out for 6 hours every day, and that's just what happans! ;-) (We must, we must...) Of coarse, the Holey Spirat has reveeled to me that I don't have to hide my sexy curves, therefore it's ok for me to ware beautiful dresses that show off my tite ass and perky brests. As long as I'm not waring pants, which are a man's artecal of clothing, then it's ok. And as long as the dress is 2.28 inches below my knees, and I am not showing more than 1.77 inches of cleavege, the Holey Spirut is cool with it.

4. I exercise in the nude. Yes, you read that right - but it's in MY HOME, so what's the problem? I lock my older kids up in their room with a list of chores to keap them buzy, and put Baby Girl in the playpen wear she can't see me, so WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I don't know why everybody is always critisizing me for this. :-? Besides, it's much more ecanomical, I don't have to buy exersize clothes, and there's no extra laundry. In fact, Christien women who exercise in speshal clothes really should question rather they are spending their hardworking hubby's money vary wiesley. :=?

5. I don't believe that you have to be "dresses only" to be saved - the only thing that can keap you out of the Kingdom of Heavan is being Catholock. Or, not beleaving in a 6-day creation. Or, working outside the home. Or, listening to rock music (unless it's Tom Petty). Or not submitting to everything you're husband tells you to do (unless he is Catholock). Oh, and not reading the KJV Bible at least 3 hours a day. B ut, if you do these things, than you of coarse would have the Holey Spirat and hence be dresses only. ;-)

6. I believe the KJV is the only inerrant Word of God. Non-English speeking people might be doomed, but I've been praying vary hard that their not.

7. I LOVE to exercise, and that's why I'm so hot! :-)

8. I don't wear makeup because I'm so naterally beautifull, and I look exactly like Angelina Jolie when she's waring makeup. However, I have nothing against people who believe they need to wear makeup, and there are plenty out there who really nead it. Not many are blessed with nateral beauty, and if you nead to enhance what you've got, than please do so for the rest of us who have to look at you. ;-)

9. I do not publish negetive comments that disagree with me because they are incorrect.

10. I am an easygoing person who laughs and jokes and cuts up ALOT. I am really sooooo much fun and cute, if only you could meat me in real life, you would just have the time of you're life. I mean, I really really REALLY am fun and cute!!! I love to joke around, and my husband and my kids just call me adorable all the time, and if I had any real life friends, thay would say the same thing! I'm such a goof! Really! I am full of laughter and energy, really! I really really REALLY want you to beleave this! :-D

11. As much fun as I am, I DO NOT play manipulatien or mind games. If you try to tell me that something I say on MY blog is wrong, we both already know who the liar and manipulater is and its not me, so I will immidietly ban you from my blog! ;-)

12. My house isn't always perfect and neat. Sometimes, I leave a glass in the sink, I may forget to fluff the couch pillows, or Baby Girl may leave her book on the floor. Of coarse, I refuse to let these types of horable messes take over my life, and I get things back to order right away!

Friday, August 15, 2008

My Menu

Here's my weekly menu, for anyone who would like to be just like me, hence you can gleen some ideas. :) All my meals are served with kombucha tea.

B-Homemade yoghert and fried potatoes
L-Carrot sticks, boiled potatoes
D-My Famus Salmon, rice, scalloped potatoes

B-Hashbrowns and oatmeal
L-Asstounding mashed potatoe sandwiches
D-Rice topped with leftover mashed potatoes and gravy

B-Potato wedges with homemade ketchup
L-Celery with peanut butter, roasted potatoes
D-Hamburgers, potatoe salad, and homemade french fryes fried in omega 3 fish oil

B-Toast topped with mashed potatoes
L-Tater tot casserole, buttered noodles
D-Spaghetti and french fryes

B-Potatoe pancakes topped with homemade cottage cheese
L-Asstounding bread and potato soup
D-Baked tuna (from the can), rice, baked potatoes

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Why Meez Church is Better Than Tradishunal Church

Well, a few weeks ago I blogged about how we were thinking about it, and we have finally taken the plunge. :) (See that blog entry here.) Today me and Derik started the First Evar Meez Cyber Church! Halleluyah! It was a wunderfull, beautifull and lovely servase. Together with other True Christian brothers and sisters (there are probly only about 20 totel in the world), we all prayzed the Lord and danced to real Christian muzic and heard good olde fashuned KJV-only preaching! Now adaze, there is just no reason to go out into the world and take a chance of getting contaminated by worldly, discusting, heathans and catholics that may be invading your church. Meez church is much, much better and holesome. Church is not a building - remembar ladies, having church servace in a building is a tradishen of man. People who think they have to meet in a building for church are legalists, but True Christians are doctrinists. Another tradishun of man is taking communion - no need to worry about that pagan practice corrupting Meez Cyber Church! However, you can eat braekfast while watching the cyber paster!

Derik and me have paved the way for the future. ;) Hear are a few other advanteges of Meez Cyber Church. Most importently, we can pick out the sermans ourselfs, making sure the pastor who preaches totelly agrees with our doctrine, because thanks be to God we have the Holey Spirat and know the Truth. And, if the pastor gets off coarse or quotes from a Bible besides the 1611 KJV, we can turn him off imedietely and just get another one! That's the most imporent. Some other nice things - you don't have to worry about parking, and you don't have to get dressed up. I just stayed in my pajamas all day, but my Meez character dressed up! ;) Plus, you can bring your own snakes!

Have a blessed day - unless you're Catholoc. If you are, come out of her now and come to my true biblicle KJV Only First Ever Meez Cyber Church.

~The Apostle/Deaconess Mandy :)

Friday, August 1, 2008

Hi Dessert

I received and read the comment, because I nevar make mistakes. I didn't answer it, or read the ~whole~ thing, as it was just rediculous.

I mean, of coarse it is a sin for you to go to the Burning Men festivel. You are obviasly an ignorent Catholoc happely on your way to hell to evan mention that pagan crap on my lovely blog. It is impossable for you to have a pure mind, because you're mind was already in the gutter to begin with for evan ASKING me about it. The only thing I've been preying about that has to do with you, is that you get yourself a 1611 KJV Bible and start reading it because you are lost and hellbound. :-( If you are board with you're life that is also because you are Catholoc. In fact, the reason you're whole life is such a failure and not perfect like mine is because of you're sin of being Catholoc.

And hear is a speshal announcemant. I just can't keep this in the comment sexion, it is two importent. :)

For all you hellbound heathens and Catholocs out there who have nothing bettar to do with you're time, you might be intrested to know that True Christian, Catholoc Basher Joann has a Brand New Blog and would like you to cum by and leave vial and discusting comments for her! She absalutely loves the attenshion. She shut down her old blog and made it privite to keep you damn Catholocs away, but after a weak or so she got loanly and made a point of coming back and telling us about it on Sweeping the Home. Wasn't that thoughtfull? It makes me feal so speshal that she just can't keap away from my blog. :) Joann, I due hope you can become as tite-assed, intellegent, and Christien as me someday, but remember that goal is just too high for most people. But don't worry, God still loves you. He only realy hates the Catholocs. ;)

Have a blessed day. :-)