Monday, August 25, 2008

The real Mandy

Hello. I have anonymously hacked into Mandy's blog to give her readers a glimpse into the real life of Mandy....sorry folks, this an excerpt from her real-life diary and I think you should all be aware....please read with caution while you can, before she finds out.
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9:08 Get up...Crap!! Realyze I hit the snouze button for an hour, it quit going off, wunderhubby allready went to work, and the house is dead quiet because the kids and I have all been sleaping. Sense no kids are bothering me, go online.

9:40 Eldest rebellious strong-willed brat son comes in my room and asks for breckfest. I quickly shuve laptop under bed before he notices, and yell for the other kids to get up.

9:50 Pour kids bowls of Luckey Charms

10:30 Get dressed in lovely dress and fuzzy slippers, tell kids to go get dressed. Tell oldest to help yunger siblengs. Throw serial bowls in dishwasher, quickly swipe tabel & counters

10:45: Go online again and play with Meez charectar while ignoring the comotion in the kids' room, change Meez outfit, and then make up fake to-do list. Blog about how my day will be so buzy today, that I won't have time to blog.

11:15 Go check other blogs and leave comments

11:30 Read some Jack Chick comics online

11:45 Yell at kids to shut up and play with their damn video games. All is quiet. Go back to reading Jack Chick. Wow...he is sooooo good.

12:05 Get out waits and do 5 bisep curls, then 2 pushups, and 3 situps.

12:10 Wipe off and blog about doing a 75-minute workout.

12:16 Make Jiff Peanut Butter sandwiches with Wunder Bread, serve with barbie-que potatoe chips.

12:25 Post some homemaid peanut butter recipie, along with an Asstounding Bread recipe that I dreamt up last night; post about the horrars of nutrishonally depleated foods such as potatoe chips that I read about in some nutrishon book; tell kids to clean up lunch mess while I blog

12:32 Find my faverite Dave Hunt anti-Catholoc artecle, copy & paste onto my blog and pretend it's my own

12:40 Go to kitchen to disscover it still a mess from lunch, beat spank the oldest brat child for not cleening up kitchen yet

12:45 Change Meez character's close again while stupid brat independant son cleens kitchen

1:00 Send kids to their bedrooms, lock doors, and demand tell them that they need to take naps, or they will not get to come out.

1:05 Get on computer and read blogs, such as Candy is A Lier, Come Out of Her, Vizits to Candyland, Sweaping the Home. Create fake accounts and leave fake coments and questiens since I don't want anyone to know I actually read them.

4:00 Unlock kids' rooms and let them out. Call a few naybers to reassure them that the screems were nothing. Have a real beer to relax. Plan on blogging about it being a fake beer later.

4:15 Have another beer. Change Meez charectar.

4:35 And another beer. Smile warmley, and wonder why other moms aren't enjoying motherhoud as much as you do.

5:00 Order pizza

5:30 Have another beer, and write about how happy I feel.

6:00 Eat pizza w/ happy kids and hubby, on paper plates, watching tv.

6:30 Have another beer, throw away paper plates and pizza boxes.

6:50 Add to my happy post, while having another beer.

7:20 Send kids to watch tv in bed until they fall asleap. This time, have a shot of vodka, because I deserve it.

7:30 Announce Meez Prayz Partie

1:00 AM - after Meez Gossip Prayz Partie go to bed [hic]

8 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Mandy!! I am so disappointed that your beer is real!!! I feel betrayed after my fake beer and chips episode last night.

Elizabeth

Natalie said...

C-L-A-S-S-I-C!

Anonymous said...

A few question for you as I'm not near the perfection you are...
what size weights do you lift and is that for each arm or just one? Seeings how you kneed the dough of your amazing bread with the other I'm sure.

What so you wipe off with to keep the stench at a minimal?

What kind of beer do you prefer? Great taste or less filling?

What size box of cereal do you get at the Chineese Embasy (Walmart) and how long does it last?

With this supper dooper busy schedule how do you find time to look up homemade peanut butter?

I have many more questions for you but I must let my little ones out of the bathroom. It's the only room with a door that locks.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, I am ROLLING! It feels so naughty and wrong to be reading this but it's like a bad car wreck. Gaaaahahahahahahahahaha! Pure comic genius!!!!

Milehimama said...

Mandy, wut kind of laptop do you have? How do you keep underneeth your bed so kleen, that you can stor the laptopp ther?

I was wundring if youv ever usd superglue to glue skin togther, do you thenk it wud work for mouths (keep screeming down until the kidds are trayned proprly?) I red abowt it on another site.

Anonymous said...

The only glue that works is the Chineese Embasay brand. Something to do with the saliva mixing with the skin. I don't know.

kritterc said...

Dear Mandy - Me again and I have another question. I have a new pet praying mantis. Found him on my patio and he is a doll!! So cute!! I put him in a jar with some sticks and grass. The problem is that I think he is lonely and could really use a helpmeet. Do you have any suggestions for attracting a female mantis? I know he would like one. I figure they could hold praying mantis praise meetings because they look like they are praying anyway. (Although, I have heard that mantises sometimes eat each other.) Anyway, if you do help me find him a helpmeet and then they have babies, when should I start feeding them my homemade formula and where in the heck will I find cloth diapers that small? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, even though I am a disgusting, evil Catholic.

Anonymous said...

Mandy, can you tell me if you crap at 9:08am everyday or is there a better time of the day to so so.